The pain of love

I used to think the worst emotional pain you could experience was the one being betrayed by the person who was meant to love and support you. How can you survive being in that place? At the time you don’t believe you will. You feel physically sick at the thought of what they did. You can’t understand the behaviour and the urge to know every detail, despite it tearing your heart in two, is overwhelming.

But then you find yourself healed and ready to move on. Or so you think. Love hits you again, it takes time to get into the deepest ruptures of your soul, but it gets there.

But nothing is consistent, especially love and human desire. We as humans are desperate to find it, study it, break it down to every fine detail, yet we still cannot understand it. Probably because love and desire don’t always go hand in hand. For many years I believed it could and it did. I was romantic, raised to believe their was one person meant to make me happy all my life. Raised to believe in family and that companionship and children would fulfil my every need.

Until I did the hurting, I betrayed. The instincts in me winning. Another teaching that was drilled into me. Reject the natural man, control your urges. They are your enemy. Maybe I was curious, maybe it was weakness. It certainly didn’t feel weak to confess my betrayal. To see the one you love be devastated by your actions is the hardest thing I have ever had to witness. The pain and hurt you have inflicted on someone who loved and supported you for many years is at times unbearable to confront.

To confront it is what I must and will do. I am not a coward, I need to fix what I have broken. There is only one thing I am afraid of, admitting it’s me or him who will be fixed.